An unfortunate truth of life is that as we progress into our elder years, our circles get smaller. I engaged in a fun conversation a few weeks ago with a friend of friend. The topic was relationships. Specifically, we dove into where friends fall in hierarchy.
He was shocked to find out that we did not share the same opinion. We are both twenty-somethings. Both males. Both white. Both middle-class. We were “of the ilk” in almost every way, yet our mindset and feelings towards the category of friends could not have been more divergent.
He asserted that friends are the at top of the relational food chain. They keep you sharp, sane, and most importantly, fun. I countered that marriage is lightyears more important. The friend of a friend, being 29 and single, didn’t love my stance. But difference is the mother of conversation.
He offered this idyllic example of his grandfather, who every weekend, gets coffee with his friends like he has since the friend of the friend was conscious. I agreed that it was an endearing, wonderful thing, but couldn’t concede that it was the most important relationship.
A few traded examples later, I seemed to have at least cracked the shell of his hardened stance towards non-friendship prioritization. The one that truly widened his pupils was trading a wife for a business opportunity.
He mentioned that he had a friend (we have now entered the 3rd level of friend-ception) who, during his entire 3 year marriage, he saw maybe once a year. Now that the marriage is ending, that friend is reaching out again. He expressed betrayal. He felt this friend chose his wife over him, and I confirmed that statement; that is what marriage is: a constant choosing of the other person over everyone else. He argued that is not right, it shouldn’t be one or the other. Marriage and friendship should be harmonious. I agreed still, but offered that harmony is a percentage-based metric. 90/10 can still be harmonious.
I zoomed the conversation out to the level of ideals. I offered he didn’t have a problem with his friend’s marriage, he just had a problem with his priority. I asked him what if that same friend had a business opportunity that would great for his career and legacy, but it required him to move to Madagascar, and he wouldn’t see him for 3 years. The friend was all for that. “You gotta do what you gotta do.” He answered.
It isn’t the time we spend or not spend with others that matters, it’s our prioritization. People want to feel wanted and needed, and when that doesn’t happen, we point and scream at the lowest hanging fruit. In our society, it’s marriage. Half of ‘em don’t make it anyway, so why even bother? “Your boys will always be there, and if you break up, they don’t take half your shit.”
True. But the uncomfortable truth about friendships is that most of them don’t get passed the surface-level of distracted fun. There is a time and place and season for distracted fun, and that’s where friends are found. But the true life defining relationships? Those are found mostly in marriage and in parenthood.
The exception that proves the rule is that one friend. The one you that will jump a place to be across the country at a moment’s notice. The one that scratches that conversational itch few even understand. The one that simultaneously sees eye-to-eye yet possesses enough spine to disagree when appropriate. These friends are found once in a life time, if you are lucky. And when you get one, you slave away to fight off the intrinsic, seasonal nature of most friendships. You carve out time. You set a schedule. You cancel other things to see them because they offer you more of yourself.
I still believe hold rank below husbandship and fatherhood, but third place still gets a medal.
Stimulant Corner:
Caffeine: ON | OFF
Nicotine: ON | OFF